Mommy Burnout:: The Motherload of Tired

I’m tired. But I’m lying awake, thoughts racing all night, popping Ativan to shut it off. I’ve never had to use that before, even in my worst anxiety. 

I attempt to hold my office, my home, and my daughter’s classroom under our too small of a space roof. It’s a great reminder that we need another bathroom. 

We were barely making bills before, as we poured all into what was supposed to make life easier; now it’s way harder than I could’ve ever imagined. 

I’m being held by a string that has now turned into a single thread that’s about to break at any second. 

I’m feeling like a pressure cooker that can’t release its steam, wondering if other people feel like this or it’s just me. 

I’m tired. And not just need to go to bed a little earlier tired.

I’m burnt out, losing my mind, tired of being asked for anything, tired of being called Mom. I’m carrying the mental, emotional, and physical load during a global pandemic tired. 

What’s bigger than carrying the weight of the planet on your shoulders?

This morning my daughter looked at me and said “Love me Mom.” I do. I really do. But I’m at the end of my rope. I’m I can’t get out of bed in the morning, crying in the bathroom, eating a bag of M&Ms for breakfast tired. 

How can I pretend to play trains when it feels like the world is ending?  

I need some help. I need to cut back on something, but everything is a priority. I’m working a very mentally and emotionally draining job from home and then switching right to being a mom tired. 

I’m I haven’t had a break since before March tired. 

“Mom! Mom! Look Mom!” “MOM!!! What’s that Mom?” “Stop saying Mom!”, I scream. I Immediately feel like a crappy parent. She’s just excited and curious about everything. I just want a nap and to be alone. I’m “treat yo self” and a pedicure do not do it anymore tired. 

I’m arguing with someone I don’t know on Facebook about wearing a mask. Angry for no reason. Trying to decide which is more important, my mental health or my physical health. Why are we even in this place? Oh yeah, politics. Don’t let me go there again…

I am questioning everything, difficulty making decisions tired. What is the meaning of life anyway? Do I really need so much stuff? Let’s grow a garden! 

I’m dreaming of moving to another land, trying to find some sort of support and craving comfort and familiarity. Blasting Taylor Swift’s new album as I drive up the street to the Target pick up. I forget what it looks like inside. I almost want to hug the Target employee who brings me my order. I miss hugs. I miss people. 

Everything feels different, yet it’s the same. It’s as if all the buildings and store fronts are frozen in time, but we are all still moving faster than it has ever felt, yet the days drag on. What day is it again? 

Okay, okay, I need to get some rest…yet my head hits the pillow and here we are again.

What should we eat for dinner tomorrow night? Does my daughter have enough pull ups? Did I give the dog her medicine? Did I take my medicine? We really need to eat better. I need to exercise again. Okay, tomorrow, I will exercise. But I need to clean the office first. Oh and I have clients all day. Okay the day after. I need to get bloodwork. My husband has a dentist appointment. When was the last time I went to the dentist? I wonder if my daughter will be in a better mood to call her Nana? I miss my parents…when is my friend’s birthday? Okay let me look at my calendar. OMG it’s already 2am! I have to be up in 5 hours…but if I don’t write this down I will forget. But first I need to email someone that I forgot to do earlier today…

Are you tired? I know I sure am. 

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