Potty Training for Adults :: Number One, Number Two, and Things All Brawds Should Do

hand grabbing toilet paper off rollBehind the Locked Door

In this month’s issue, we will be discussing the Ace and the Deuce. If for a second you were thinking card game, let me get you straight right quick. Singles and Doubles. Liquids and Solids. The Number One and the Number Two. I don’t mean this to be rude or crass. In fact, I hope that you will consider this conversation… community service. At a time when our world is so divided, I’d like to think that this is one of the things we can all get behind. One of the measures of civilized society has to be the manner in which we go about handling our… business.

Please know, this message comes from a place of goodness. Because who hasn’t walked into a public restroom and wondered what kind of demented soul would leave the sacred seat and accompanying area with undesired souvenirs and evidence from previous events?

No one really wants to have this talk, but by golly – there are folks in this world who need the talk… the one on potty training. But for adults. No pontificating. Just one concerned brawd to another. Trying to make the world a better place for the masses.

Pre-Pottying General Information

Many women frown upon allowing their naked skin to touch a public toilet seat. By all means, I get it. I too, fall into this subset of the population. For those that refuse to touch, we generally have a couple of options.

Option 1: The Hover

Simply put, one must squat in a simulated seated position hovering a few inches over the toilet thereby – avoiding contact with the toilet seat.

The Pros and The Cons

This is a good option for taller women with solid leg muscles and a strong core. It’s quick and it doesn’t require advance planning or supplies. On the flip side, standard-issue female equipment does not allow for much in the way of external control. The vertical drop is not always 100% vertical; unexpected pressure in the release could cause a serious need for clean-up on aisle seven. If you cause the need for a clean-up, please… handle up.

For the shorter and/or chunky-ish non-workout type brawd (stop staring at me, I already know) or those with a slow to moderate stream speed, Option 1 could be dangerous. This is a hard position to hold and is likely to result in a “squat-fail” followed by the regretted skin-to-seat contact. I do not recommend this approach for women under 5’5 who do not participate in regular weight training activities. No shame. Love thyself… as you are… and move on to the next option.

Additional note on this topic: If you go to the restroom and refuse to touch the seat because of what someone else may have left behind and you pee all over the seat and leave it behind for the next person – YOU are the person. YOU are the reason women are forced to hover. YOU are the reason touching a toilet seat is terrifying for women around the world. The irony of it all. Do better, bitches.

Option 2: Seat Lining and/or Seat Cleaning

While this option may necessitate advance planning on your part, it is pretty much foolproof. Very often, you can find those crappy-tear-if-you-touch-them noisy tissue paper liners on the walls of public restrooms. Although not luxurious, they will suffice for preventing the dreaded skin to toilet seat contact and/or hover squat-fails. In a pinch, one may resort to a layer of toilet paper, four slices in toilet seat length sizes in the north, south, east and west positions. Now, if you are a member of the highly esteemed Potty Preparedness Group (PPG) or an Enneagram 6, you keep your own toilet seat liners in your purse or you have your own handy dandy pack of pursed sized Clorox wipes – available in your local Target trial/travel size aisle.

Unnecessary Hold Status and the SH Rule

Ever walked into a restroom while a person sits idle on the porcelain throne in a Hold Status? The Hold Status can be identified by the combination of a strong unpleasant odor and a long period of silence. This is most often a sign that a double is in progress. The silence is never the problem; the problem is the inaction evidenced by that silence. Action is imperative. Once a solid exits your personal area… apply pressure to that little silver lever behind you and – flush. Always utilize the courtesy flush. Remember, there is no rule that says the body must be emptied entirely prior to flushing. Every single time there is a splaSH, it should be followed by a fluSH – splaSH, fluSH. The “SH” rule.

Once you have completed the splaSH, fluSH combo – your next move is the wipe. Through this practice, we eliminate the possibility of anyone – trapped in the stalls beside you or coming in after you – succumbing to toxic fumes because the deuce has been allowed {unfortunately} to overstay its welcome. As well, the immediate fluSH means there is no chance of having to plunge a bowl full of solids and soiled toilet paper. It’s called waste for a reason. Let’s all be like Elsa… and let it go.

Quick Take-Aways for Restroom Stays

  • Golden Rule it. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
  • Be prepared. Know your options. Ready the supplies. Liners. Clorox wipes. Spray. Candles. Flushable butt wipes. Have a plan.
  • The SH rule… splaSH/fluSH… splaSH/fluSH. Then wipe. Never forget.
  • The classic. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.
  • Make it a mystery. Look back. Leave no evidence behind.

Lowering the Lid on this Pot

The point of it all– potty time is often considered private time and norms are rarely discussed in public forums. But some folks’ actions behind the locked door make it clear that continuing to neglect the normalization of body-related behaviors will only contribute to the decline of civilized society. With only the slightest of modifications, we have the opportunity to make this world better for all of us today and leave behind a legacy of excellence for future generations. We can make this happen. Each one, teach one. Let’s create a movement. Pun intended.

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Joi was born and raised in San Antonio. After a brief pit stop at the University of Texas in Austin, Joi moved to Houston in 1994 and began checking boxes off her never ending to do list. During this time and in no particular order, Joi taught a little bit of everything between first and eighth grades, got married and then divorced, completed grad school, birthed a few babies – Ferris {November 1997}, Warren {December 1999} and Laylah {March 2006}, moved an old lady into her home – Granny {January 1925} started working in Human Resources, served an excessive amount of time (on boards, in booster clubs, team momming) as a crazy sports momma, and learned a lot of life lessons. Joi is known for her unabashed honesty, always present sense of humor and her #TeamTooMuch style of doing everything. On most days, you can find her caught up in her love/hate relationship with politics, feeding her Facebook addiction, or counting the number of days until her last child graduates from high school.



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