Trigger Warning: This article contains descriptions of eating disorders that may be triggering for some individuals.
Early Memories
I grew up in a very traditional Asian household with first-generation immigrant parents who had escaped from the Vietnam War. They knew the struggle of making ends meet and providing for the family. As an adult looking back, I can see how culturally this shaped their parenting style when it came to food.
My earliest memories regarding meals and what my mother would say is, “You need to finish all of this, or you can’t get up from the table”, or “For every grain of rice you don’t eat, that will be one maggot that crawls on your body when you die”, or “You’re so lucky to even have food. Think about all the other children who don’t have the same blessings. You need to eat everything on your plate.”
Then there were the comments on my body itself. “You’re so skinny, you need to eat more.” “You look pale and frail, you’re not eating enough.” Depending on the day, week, month, or year, there were also contradictory remarks like “Why are you eating so much? You need to watch your diet.” “I can tell you’ve gained some weight in your stomach; you need to start exercising more.” “Your legs are so thick. You’d better be careful that you’re not getting chubby.” Little did I know that this voice would continue in my head for decades, dictating how I treated myself, my body, and how I nourished it.
Growing up in the 90s and 2000s, aside from family members’ commentary, what I saw and heard was that being skinny was ideal. When you walked into the grocery stores, you would see rows of magazines that glorified being tall, willowy, and thin. Or you would see hateful comments describing an actor or singer’s body type as too fat, too sexy, or even too skinny. Nothing was ever going to be good enough for them. It was a beauty standard that was impossible to achieve.
Moment of Truth
The moment I finally realized my relationship with food was unhealthy is an event I can recall with such clarity. I was craving something salty and crunchy, and conveniently, there was half a party bag of Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream chips leftover. As I continued to munch away, the craving disappeared, and I could tell I no longer wanted to eat them. But regardless of what my body was telling me, I felt this compulsion to eat every single chip and demolish every crumb. I ate, and ate, until there was nothing left. My husband asked me one question that made me rethink everything. “You know if you’re full, you don’t have to finish that, right?” This was a foreign idea to me: understanding what my body was telling me and listening to it. I was so used to this voice urging me to finish my meal, to avoid waste, that I lost the ability to hear my own self. The stressors from family and school made me attempt to control the one thing I could: how much I ate.
Now, as a mom, I struggle with breaking this cycle. You spend time and effort cooking meals for your kids, and to have them take a few bites, or not eat at all, that’s mentally and physically draining. I often have to stop myself from telling them, “Just take one more bite”, or “If you don’t eat this, you get no dessert.” Food shouldn’t be used as a reward or punishment.
If you add in the various channels of social media, it’s getting harder and harder to shield ourselves from asinine posts and commentary about people’s bodies. How can our society stop associating being skinny with being healthy? I’m not sure I have the answer to that. All I can do is lay the foundation for my children at home: establish meal and snack routines, avoid labeling food as “good” or “bad,” or using it as an incentive, and if you feel full, you don’t have to finish every last bite.
How do you nurture your kids to develop and maintain a positive relationship with food and eating? Share your thoughts below; I’d love to hear what strategies have worked for you.
If you or a loved one is struggling with an eating disorder and needs support, below are a few links to help connect you to the care you or they need.
National Eating Disorders Association
National Alliance for Eating Disorders
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
