What is Grief? Grief isn’t only about death. It also shows up in quieter, less acknowledged ways. One of those is the grief that can come with children growing up. As children move through stages, first steps, first day of school, and becoming more independent it feels like a living loss. Nothing is wrong, and in fact, everything may be going right. But something meaningful is still ending. And this leads to holding what was while at the same time welcoming what’s next.
Nostalgic Reflections
Although only eight and six years have passed, I can vividly remember each of the days I gave birth to my daughters. I remember the contractions, the phone call to my parents that I was in labor, the nausea, the discomfort, the epidural, the pushing, the fatigue…then finally the blessing of a healthy baby girl – one in 2017 and the other in 2020.
Those early months were exhausting. Days of very little sleep mixed in with nursing, navigating life as a new mom, then two years later navigating life with a toddler and a newborn. What made the second time around even more challenging were the restrictions due to the pandemic.
Yes, my youngest was born in February right before life changed due to COVID-19.
Those days were hard, HARD. I had a newborn and toddler, my husband was working his shifts in the emergency room, I was sleep deprived, overstimulated, and trying to figure out how to keep a toddler engaged and learning while tending to a new baby. The days ran together and felt like a blur.
And still, regardless of the challenges I still miss those early days and years.
Bittersweet Pride
With each passing day I see something new in my girls’. Personality traits strengthen. Confidence grows. Insecurities are revealed. Courage becomes evident. They have preferences, opinions, and quirks. They become stronger, wiser, and less reliant on me as their mom.
And while this newfound independence is something to celebrate, I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge the sadness I feel for the days that were. I miss the baby cuddles. The milky breath. The way their body would still curl up as if in the womb. I miss the bond of nursing and even the hungry cries.
Growth is normal, natural, and praised, but I miss when they were smaller. I often state that my favorite age was birth to 18 months. It was rough, rocky, and exhausting, but oh so special. With each developmental leap I am proud of the “now,” but I silently grieve what once was…becasue as they grow older they become further removed from those days of full dependence on me as their mom and it brings a wave of sadness.
As a mom of two (and through!) I’ve experienced my last of the following firsts – first crawl, first steps, first “mama,” first birthday, first day of daycare, among others. And while I realize there are many new firsts still ahead to experience and celebrate, the ones behind me are still so special that I replay them in my mind and find myself smiling when video memories come up on my phone. Or intentionally seeking pictures and videos from when they were younger.
Embracing the Identify Shift
As my girls grow, our bond naturally shifts. Parenting involves deep emotional investment, routine, and identity. What I’m learning to embrace is that with each developmental milestone I’m not just losing a phase, I’m letting go of a version of our relationship and our daily life as I knew it.
I vividly remember years ago being stopped by my then kindergartener during the first week of school. Full stop. I’m talking about hand to chest. She did not want me to walk her up to the door. She told me should wanted to make the walk by herself. While I was proud of her for having “first week of school courage,” but I stood there and cried because I wasn’t ready for such a shift to happen. Later that school year she said, “no thank you” to joining field trips as a chaperone. Another life shift and change in identity that I wasn’t expecting nor was I prepared to hear.
Proud of the independence, but sad about the shift.
Mark the Transition
Although I acknowledge the sadness I feel as we move farther away from the earlier years, I also recognize that there are still many firsts ahead to celebrate and I don’t want to lose sight of that. One of the common ways that we recognize the girls’ advancement is through their first day of school picture and info board. However, I’d also love to identify other intentional and meaningful transition rituals to mark milestones. A few of the examples I’ve run across are:
*The “Same Questions, New Year” Video – done on first day of school, birthday, or New Year
*Annual birthday letter – a letter written to a child each year reflecting on their growth, special moments, and hopes for the future.
*Create a time capsule – to be opened at the next milestone.
*Transition gift – an annual gift that represents the end of a chapter and the beginning of the next
*Handprint or footprint art – create a clay mold or print each year to illustrate the growth
Shifting the Sadness
There’s a quiet grief in watching these moments pass, but it’s paired with so much gratitude that they happened at all. I have to remind myself that I can hold that feeling while still making space for what’s ahead, trusting that there are many more firsts waiting to be celebrated.
