Feeding disorders are real, and children suffering from them can experience extra stress around holiday meals.
I want you to imagine being forced to wear the least comfortable piece of clothing you own. Maybe it’s something way too small, or itchy, or tight. I once owned a sweater made of material I was literally allergic to- and I wore it probably three times and suffered before I figured it out.
Now, think about the last time you were somewhere you felt uncomfortable, maybe worried that you’d break something or make a mess. Maybe there are lots of people there asking you the exact same question, over and over, even though you know they aren’t truly listening to your answer.
Finally, imagine the most disgusting food you’ve ever eaten. If you can’t think of one, try and think about something that grosses you out- snakes, spiders, moldy leftovers.
Got it?
How do you feel?
Probably pretty icky.
This is how many children with sensory processing issues or feeding disorders like ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) feel at our beloved family holiday dinners.
While most of us look forward to the tradition of it all, children with these struggles who are old enough to know what’s coming are dreading being in circumstances far different from their comfortable and safe day-to-day routines. Holidays aren’t often about comfortable clothing, familiar and child-proofed surroundings, and access to familiar and safe foods. And this can be a really difficult time of year for those children and their parents.
The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is so special to me, and I look forward to foods we only eat once a year- a big roasted turkey, dressed with stuffing, sweet potato or green bean casserole, maybe a prime rib roast, or scalloped potatoes. Pumpkin pie or pecan pie. They’re special because we only eat them so rarely, and always in celebration.
Studies show that it can take children ten to fifteen exposures to a new food for it to become acceptable. And as this is unlikely to be available to your family with foods that are so infrequently prepared and served, it’s important to remind yourself of that when you feel frustrated by a ‘picky eater’ not feeling the excitement about holiday dinners.
Many families with children who are sensitive to taste, textures, and smells (like mine!) have a whole Mary Poppins-style bag of tricks to make our lives easier- it’s simple things like serving safe foods before we head out to make sure my child is satisfied throughout whatever event we’re headed to. Sometimes bringing a snack for him. Letting him wear whatever he’s comfortable wearing. It used to mean bringing noise canceling headphones to loud places. Seriously, whatever your child with feeding disorders needs, you should not hesitate to accommodate it, even around the holidays. Even if people might give you looks or make comments.
I worried so often that his struggles with food would be a point of embarrassment or even teasing among his childhood peers ,but it’s more often other adults who struggle to understand or empathize with his special needs around eating.
I get it- for so many of us, making and serving foods is a love language – both an act of service and a gift given. But sometimes, our love language doesn’t translate to the receiver. And we have to be OK with that.
If you have a child like mine with feeding disorders, here are my top recommendations for surviving the holidays.
Plan Ahead
Pack snacks; serve dinner at 3:30 before you head to a holiday dinner if you have to. It’s perfectly fine- and if the hosts of the event push back, I generally say something like “He often struggles in a large setting like this, so we like to take the pressure off by filling him up ahead of time.”
Prepare What To Say
Questions are inevitable, especially if your child is ‘older’ than the (more acceptable) picky toddler. Honestly- you don’t owe anyone anything in the way of an explanation. But most of the time when I do share, I’m met with support and understanding. To me, it’s worth it. I say something simple like “He’s always struggled with textures and that includes food. He’s allowed to eat absolutely anything he wants to eat- but if he declines, please don’t try and force anything.”
Remember: Fed is STILL Best
Remember when your baby was a baby? And that whole “fed is best” thing of breastfed vs formula fed?
Yeah, that still applies. Kids need to eat to grow. Allowing your child autonomy over how they nourish themselves is essential for parents of children with sensory issues or ARFID. It’s ok if Christmas dinner is chicken nuggets or pizza or Goldfish crackers for a child like this. They deserve to feel full and content with their holiday meals, just like we do.
I also want to add, if you are the host and notice that your guests aren’t loading their plates up with the food you so lovingly labored to provide them, I understand the urge to comment “That’s all you’re eating?” or things like this. But I implore you to try and reframe the question, especially if you’re asking a child- “Did you have enough to eat?”
Just rephrasing the same meaning can come across as far less judgmental and it takes the pressure off.
Happy Holidays and may there be a “safe” food for your child at every gathering you attend this year!
