When I logged into Tiktok a few months ago, I was hit with news of Ashley Tisdale and the drama between her and her mom group. In a recent article, she did a tell all about how she was “kicked out” of a mom group. As a mom who has navigated the world of parenting in this age, I know too well the world of mom groups. I don’t care if you’re a celebrity or a suburban parent, the “mom group” can serve as a life line or a thorn in the parenting journey.
I’ve been a member of several mom groups throughout the years, both in person and online, and I cherish each of them deeply. They were present during the nursing hours when I found moms all over the world awake for the exact same reason. We shared laughter and the perils of toddler years. My favorite group came out of a larger “working moms” group. I ran to these women for everything from surviving ADHD diagnosis for my daughter to teething remedies. Even as life has gotten busier, I’m less active with the virtual group but I’m grateful for the space and the connection I have with those ladies.
Reading about Tisdale’s experience and the drama that eventually follows when a group splits or kicks one person out, made me take a look in the mirror.
I was the One Doing the Excluding
Long before I was a mother of multiple children, in those days when most of my friends were single and in our twenties, I was the “connector”. I was the connecting piece that brought five incredible women together. One of them, I had a hard time connecting with. She was kind and sweet but a tough cookie to crack. It felt like a one sided friendship in vulnerability and transparency. I did my best to get closer but it felt like an invisible wall I couldn’t break through.
Instead of addressing with maturity and kindness, I just stopped inviting her to things.
No grand announcements were made. I just pulled away. The rest of the group felt the shift and it became awkward but we all carried on with this invisible weight. The other girls would invite her and she invited them but the fracture my choices created, was still there. A year later, I had so much guilt, I finally had a conversation with her. A conversation I should’ve had before my selfish decision. I expressed why I distanced myself and she in turn, told me how hurt she felt and how she knew she was not as open but was starting to feel safe enough to open up. Hearing that hurt even more but it also instilled something in me.
We stayed cordial but the relationship never recovered. Looking back now as a women in her mid 40s, I see all of the things I could’ve done differently. A simple “Hey, I feel disconnected from you and would like our friendship to go deeper, can we talk about it?” Instead, I chose the “mean girl” way of silence and exclusion.
An Alternate Perspective
In regards to the Ashley Tisdale fiasco, it seems she may be the problem in the friend group but my older self would offer an alternate perspective to the mamas involved in this group.
To the women in the group: I hope ya’all will talk first before excluding anyone. Exclusion without any warning or conversations is incredibly painful. Even if someone is considered the “problem”, a direct conversation, although might be uncomfortable, is crucial in any mature adult relationship.
To Ashley and any mama who is walking the same road: I hope you will talk to your friends before talking to the press or another person not part of the group. While putting everyone’s business on the streets like that over something that was private might make you feel better for a bit, it doesn’t for a long time and it certainly will not help reconcile or restore the relationship.
Female friendships can be complicated, and motherhood adds a layer that is difficult to describe if you’re not in it. When you’re a mom, your village is more than a social group, it’s your support system, sometimes your therapist and your safety net.
A solid group of friends in this season of life is crucial. These mama are the ones who uplift you when you are riddled with mom guilt or shame. When you feel like a failure because your kid is still not potty trained. They offer that gentle nudge to call the pediatrician when you suspect something might be off with your baby, yet reminding you everything will be fine. Because the bonds created in these groups are so strong, breakups within them hit harder than normal breakups.
Mom Group Regret
I will never not regret excluding my friend all those years ago without at least having an open and honest conversation. That experience taught me that although I won’t connect with everyone, I owe every personal relationship I have the decency of a conversation even if it is because of the history we have and the dignity of the person.
Motherhood is fun, but it is also a lot of work. As mothers, I hope we can commit to being the type of friends who choose uncomfortable and difficult conversations over excluding the people in our lives. Our children need to see us model kindness and our friends deserve to be treated with dignity.
