You get about 90 seconds in the car before the conversation window slams shut. You ask how the day went, and you get a shrug, an eye roll, or the most useless word in the parenting dictionary: “Fine.”
Nicole Humlicek has spent more than 20 years in education, currently as the upper school principal at The Honor Roll School in Sugar Land, and she has a fix for it. She calls it “Rose, Thorn, Spaghetti” and it works whether your kid is 5 or 17.
Here’s how it goes.
Rose: the best part of the day.
Thorn: the part that didn’t go so well.
Spaghetti: something completely random {because tweens and teens live for random}.
Ask in that same order every single day so it becomes a rhythm your kid can count on. Think of it as the compliment sandwich: something good, something hard, something silly to land on. And go first yourself: share your own rose, thorn, and spaghetti so they see it modeled before it’s their turn.
Two things Nicole says make or break it.
First, let your kids name the categories. A five-year-old might call it candy {“my rose is Smarties”}. A seventeen-year-old might go with “Happy” and “Crappy.” Whatever they land on, roll with it. Naming it is how they own it.
Second, resist the urge to fix. When your kid drops a thorn like “I bombed my math test,” everything in you wants to launch into did-you-study interrogation mode. Don’t. Just listen, hold onto it, and circle back later: “Earlier you mentioned that math test. Want to tell me more?” And when you do, flip the question. Instead of “Why didn’t you study?” try “What could you do differently next time?” You’re coaching them toward the answer instead of handing it over.
One more use Nicole loves: run it just for social media. Ask for their rose, thorn, and spaghetti about their online day, and you get a rare peek into a world you usually can’t see.
It’s the tool a lot of us wish we’d had years ago.
Want the full conversation? Nicole breaks it all down on Houston Moms in the Middle, our brand-new podcast for the tween, teen, and young-adult years. It launched August 5, with new episodes every Wednesday. Hit follow so you don’t miss Nicole’s episode, then send it to a mom friend who’s tired of hearing “fine.”
