Raising children is hard – physically, mentally, and emotionally. The work can be uncertain, navigating the path of trying to understand them, even though they don’t have the best verbalization skills. It’s a laborious experience riding the highs and lows of children. For me, now eight years in, it’s time to be honest; this experience is inflicting emotional damage on me.
The consequences of pregnancy is that being a good mother requires that I ride shotgun while my children recklessly careen around with their emotions being their fuel. In modern day parenting, children are seen, heard, and understood. In doing so, I’m a mother empathizing with my daughter’s crying spells because of the wrong type of socks or tights with her school uniform. I’m patient as my son’s complaints extends to a tantrum, and the tantrum extends to an emotional standoff.
Yet this consequence of pregnancy seems backwards, right? It’s the parents that are supposed to be worried about the potential emotional damage we are inflicting on our children with a raised tone or too strict or too lax of policies around screen time, friends, homework, and extracurriculars. We are concerned if the disagreement they witnessed between our spouse, family or friend will make them a better or worse partner or friend. I can spend hours ruminating about one decision or another and its eventual impact on my kids.
But here is the joke. This consequences of pregnancy is that I’m the one with the emotional damage! Now, I love my children more than anything and everything in life and beyond. They are the absolute best part of what’s in my life. Yet, sitting through a tantrum takes emotional resolve and reservoirs of patience and understanding that I didn’t think quite existed within me. And it’s not just the tantrums. It’s reminding them every day all day to do one thing or another. It’s sucking it up and doing some chore for them, while worried if I’m doing too much for them and not holding them accountable and wondering if that means they won’t be accountable adults. It’s knowing the right answer but not knowing if the right answer could be the wrong answer for your kid. It’s hoping that my generosity won’t translate to entitlement. It’s working to keep them humble and kind, so they don’t grow up to be jerks in their adulthood. Yes, this constant evaluation, consideration, worry, and reflection all add up to emotional damage.
Yes, I went into having children with eyes wide open. I understood the assignment – their mess is my mess and since I’m not a fan of messiness, I know it’s my responsibility to clean up our mess. As I’m having my moments of over-stimulation, I can be reflective at times that I have the privilege and responsibility to be an example for how to regulate through the ranges of emotions that we all feel in a day. It’s this reflection that helps me to move through the most challenging moments with optimism and a lighter spirit. My emotional regulation doesn’t always keep my children from being angry in the moment, but I hope they are learning from my consistent behaviors. I hope they see we’re all facing emotional damage, but the damage isn’t permanent, and we are all capable of being our best selves. Time will only tell. . .
