On my first date with my husband, about three hours after we had our first glass of wine, I told him, “I am not having a child.” Poor guy. Of course, I put on my Match.com profile that I was “open to having children.” What I really meant was, I was open to having children in a world that wasn’t crazy, if I had plenty of money, a surrogate and a nanny. As my now husband is prone to do, he looked at me and simply said, “Ok.”
There was no profound discussion that night. He didn’t ask me any questions. Looking back on that conversation, I realize I probably sounded crazy and he was just hoping for a goodnight kiss. He wasn’t too concerned about the “one day possibility that he might want to have a kid with me.” I have to say, I have come to deeply love my husband’s ability to exist fully in the present moment and not worry about ten years from now. Turns out, I worry enough for the both of us.
A little later in our relationship, we were driving through a master-planned community in Austin. At that time, it seemed likely we would get married, so I casually said, “I don’t ever want to live in the suburbs, it will kill my soul. Oh, and I don’t want to drive an SUV either, I am not going to live outside the city, drive a huge car and have babies.”
Can you guess what he said? “Ok, honey got it.”
Well, about six years after that first date guess what I was doing. Yep, living in suburb, pregnant and driving a Lincoln SUV. Here is what I have learned. Anytime, I say the words…I am never or I don’t ever want to,” the Holy Spirit hears, “And now Lauren is laying down a challenge, what are you going to do about it?” At least that is what it seems like to me. And EVERY TIME the Holy Spirit says, “Challenge accepted.”
I have stopped saying “never.” It’s just too dangerous.
As we approach Mother’s Day, maybe you are like me. Maybe you never expected to become a mother. Or maybe you couldn’t wait to become a mom, but when they sent you home with that little bundle of joy, all you could feel was the sheer terror of keeping another human alive. Or maybe, you are one of those women that genuinely loved being pregnant and loves being a mom, yet there is a still that little voice that wants to scream, “This is not what I thought it was going to be!”
Anthropologist Dana Raphael coined the term, “matrescence” to describe the psychological and social transition into motherhood. If you aren’t familiar with the term or her work, I highly recommend spending a little time doing some research or if you’re extra ambitious reading a book about it. Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself by Lisa Marchiano looks like a great one – admittedly, I haven’t read it because I’ve been living it instead. But still, if you like to read this might be a great place to start.
The basic premise is that becoming a mother is a very complex process where we are constantly redefining our own sense of self through mothering a child. If you have read my articles before, you know that the Holy Spirit told me that becoming a mother “would be the greatest experience of the cross I would ever have.” That’s been so true. There are so many small deaths I have had as a mother. Things that have died as I became a mother include: my pre-baby body, my judgement of other parents, my ability to sleep until any hour of the morning, my control over my time, relaxing vacations and so much more.
But here is the thing about becoming a mother, there have been some amazing resurrections as well. My sense of humor has improved exponentially (if you ask me, of course). My ability to recognize when I am trying to control a situation that is not controllable. My understanding of the depth of God’s love for me as a child increases daily (this has been a true gift of motherhood). I have learned to let go of a LOT of small details that just don’t matter; for instance, whether to write with an oxford comma or not (I’m looking at my boss Jenny here). These are just a few of the examples of how “new life” has come to me after becoming a mother.
So, this Mother’s Day, if you are struggling a little bit with being a mom, know that you aren’t alone. It’s a life-changing experience that doesn’t end. Every day I’m learning something as a mother, especially how to be a better one. Please hear this – I am not anywhere near perfect – and I chose to only have one child, so my practice is more limited than others. What I do know is that wherever you are on your current motherhood journey, it’s perfectly fine. You won’t be in that spot for long. Change will come, maybe tomorrow or maybe next week. I think the invitation is that we keep going, we keep learning and we keep becoming. Motherhood is not just about the humans that we are helping to guide in this life, it’s also about our own transformation into the person God has created us to be.
So, to all the mothers – in every form – Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you find some laughter today and most of all the Grace that sustains us. Here is to SUV’s, apartments, swimming pools, trips to waterparks, school choice decisions, themed days at school and all the other million things we never expected would be a part of our lives. We are mothers and we are so much more too.
