I’m Middle Aged With Two Kids, and I’m Having the Best Sex of My Life

woman on top of man in bedI remember a few months after my first kid was born, when I was still trying to get back in the saddle sex-wise {6 weeks my ass, or really my perineum, am I right?}. I was talking with a friend about the transition, and she mentioned that she was having better sex post kid than before kids. This seemed wildly unlikely to me at the stage I was in, but I held on to her comment as hope for my future sex life. 

It’s a few years down the road and I can now confidently say to my past self that my friend was right. I am middle-aged with two young kids and I am having the best sex of my life right now. Some of that is just because of cool things that have happened to come about with my body {pun intended}, but some of it is the glory of getting older and caring so much less about things. All of it combines for me to a golden age of sex that I hope only gets better as our windows of opportunity get wider {I see you, parents, with your naptime quickies}. 

Sex is Scheduled

I’ve never been a spontaneous sex person. Also, in reading the fantastic book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, I learned that it’s pretty common for women to not able to jump right into sex. Most of us are like cars in the winter. We need some warm-up time before driving. Having the predictability of when sex is coming allows me to mentally and sometimes physically prepare. Like when I haven’t showered for several days because, small children. 

I’ve Let Go of Shame

I’ve got sex shame for miiiiilllles ya’ll. It’s a veritable yellow brick road, but instead of “We’re off to see the wizard”. It’s a childhood of “true love waits”, abstinence-only education, and then in my experience having that compounded by sex being painful for me as a young adult. When you already feel guilty about having pre-marital sex, and then it’s not good, you can spiral down that shame staircase really fast. Getting married helped this for me, but also education helped a lot. I’ve read several books on sex like Come As you Are and The Vagina Bible, by Dr. Jen Gunter, which helped me to learn about my body, and the social stigma particularly around women and sex. I’ve had to unlearn the shame of having sex for pleasure, and let me tell you, once you let go of it, the sky is the limit.

My Body is Different

I’ve carried and birthed two kids at this point, and anyone who has done that knows it comes with bodily changes. Things are saggier, jigglier, and looser all around. Yeah, there’s definitely parts of my body that I liked better pre-kids *cough* post nursing boobs *cough*, but one benefit has come from it. I used to have pretty frequent pain during vaginal sex, and it was a rather tight fit. Two big ‘ol baby heads have widened the downstairs a bit which has made sex much more comfortable for me. I’m talking first time in my life that it hasn’t been painful every time. I am assuming I am in the minority here, but still adding it to the win column. 

Another fun post-baby surprise is that my body will sometimes squirt during orgasms. I have no idea how it works but it’s cool, and gives my partner the “I’m a sex god” smile for at least a day.

It’s Time to Connect

For me, sex in a long-term relationship is the best kind of sex. I am not trying to impress anyone with some noises I think might sound sexy. I’m not trying to suck in my stomach. This person has literally seen me give birth, and they still find me attractive. Anything above that is going to be sexier. For me and my partner, sex is sometimes our only time to connect alone since we are often managing children and don’t get much time to focus on each other. Besides the physical part, it’s a time where we talk, make jokes, and often end up in giggle fits. Like the one time I called my partner an “orgasmagician” after a particularly good one and then we couldn’t get back to what we were doing for laughing. Or the time he asked me “If we traded bodies for a day, would you want to have sex to feel what it feels like?” and we got five minutes into this conversation mid-foreplay before we realized we were running short on time before the kids woke up. We used to have all the time in the world for inside jokes, conversations, and musings. These days they might only happen during that time we block off for sex.

I Come Equipped

There’s 1,000 % a sex joke in that subtitle, but I can’t think of one right this moment. *insert joke here*. Towels-check. Lube-check. Door locked. Overhead lighting off. White noise to drown out small baby noises. Laundry put away so I’m not thinking about it. Showered recently. There are a lot of boxes to check to get to a place where I can tune out the outside world and focus on sex. But I’m not afraid to ask for them, and I’ve also reached the point where I don’t try to talk myself out of them either. Like I shouldn’t need all of these things. Screw that, this is what I need to have a good time and be mentally and physically present. And having those things in place so I can have a pleasurable experience is worth it.

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