I Come First:: No Shame in my Solo Sex Game

A smiling woman at the beach.

“It’ll be years before you experience amazing, satisfying sex.”

“I’m already having MIND-BLOWING sex…”

She looked at me quizzically, with some Oh, little girl, you have no idea doubt. 

My aunt meant well. She thought she was preparing my 19 year old mind to expect to be sexually disappointed for a while. To assume that sex would be unfulfilling until later years. To remain steadfast in my pursuits for earth shattering romps that had yet to come.

But she discounted the top contender for creating my sexual bliss:: Me. 

Married, divorced, single, whatever the sitch. Doesn’t matter. You deserve mind-blowing sex. And there is no shame in taking the DIY route to get it. 

Little Girl Lost

I preach “no shame,” but it took years for me to be comfortable with this form of self love. 

If only the Duke of Hastings had delicately, poignantly, utter lip-bitingly explained to all of us the ins and outs of exploring our bodies when we were younger.

Many of us would have been spared an embarrassing amount of years being confused about our own anatomy and even more years being incapable of teaching anyone else how to please us.

Instead of the Duke, I had a family who would say things like “self sex is the only safe sex.” They would SAY that, but the side eye was real.

Their mouths would say, “Yes, girl! Take care of business for yourself, by yourself,” but their faces would say, “Quit being fast! Keep your legs shut! You’re nasty! “

Uh… what?

Touching myself is the safest route to experience sexual pleasure, but I’m being slutty for wanting to do so? 


I’ve Got This

A happy woman.

I’ve dated guys who genuinely considered masturbation as a form of cheating. They thought that pleasing myself was selfish and a form of betrayal, because all my sexual encounters must include them. 

Boy, bye.

How can you be stressed about someone else meeting my needs when that someone is ME?

There is so much power in knowing that you can make yourself happy! Coming to the realization that your orgasms can be in your own hands, maybe literally and figuratively, makes you unstoppable.

Own it!

We are often taught to believe that self-love means things like mani/pedis, eating right and finding downtime. But why doesn’t making love to yourself readily fall into the broad self-love category?

In my book, it does. 

Large and Recharged

A net filled with sex toys.

With Valentines Day coming up, many of us married folk will romance our spouses with gifts, quality time and probably sex. But this year, I also have a few plans of my own. As Katt Williams puts it, “You need to be in tune with your star player!”

My star player. Me. My legit forever Valentine. 

I will definitely treat myself to a gift or two, and there’s nothing wrong with getting down and dirty solo BEFORE giving my husband his V-day V. 

I may or may not have made a few interesting purchases of the vibrating persuasion over the past few months that would make my younger self blush but make my adult self incredibly giddy!

My favorite these days? This little gem. Y’all. Wow. It’s like… You know how… You just need to get one and thank me later. 

Whether you spend Valentine’s Day taking Tracy’s Dog for a walk, biting the bullet or getting butterflies in your stomach, make sure you remember that you come first!  {Pun intended. *wink-wink*}

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I Come First: No Shame in My Solo Sex Game. A photograph of a smiling woman at a beach. Logo: Houston moms.

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Ashley Black
Ashley KB was born in Long Beach, CA, but spent most of her childhood in Denver, CO. She was very athletic growing up, and she loved running track and playing volleyball. Ashley ventured to Oklahoma where she attended Langston University and transferred to the University of Central Oklahoma. Ashley graduated with an English degree from the UCO in 2011. Ashley was married to A.J. for six years... but it just didn't work out. And that's OK! They have three wild, precious, hilarious sons, Oliver {October 2012}, Maverick {August 2015} and Reeve {August 2017} who make life so incredibly meaningful. She also has a snuggly fur baby, Luna. In her free time, she can be found binge watching The Office {for the millionth time}, listening to inappropriate podcasts, or oversharing on Instagram @theofficialbossmama and her personal blog.


  1. Bad Dragon (bad-dragon.com) has lovely, high quality customizable dildos in a variety of quaint shapes and sizes. They also self-identify as furry, so if you’ve never heard of them, you can check “try a new kink” off your list for 2021.


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