I always imagined a healthy and open dialogue with my children when it came to the topic of sex and birth control. My Mom and I never had “the talk”. My household was Catholic and as being the youngest of six children, my parents probably just assumed that I would figure it out. My older sisters didn’t really tell me anything either and I never asked because I was too afraid. I felt like I was shielded from knowing about sex so I got my information from other sources such as my friends and questionable late night cable movies. I can change that with my daughter.
Common Contraception Concepts
I remember learning the most about birth control and sexually transmitted diseases in my high school health class. It was not uncomfortable or weird and it was extremely helpful. I remember thorough discussions about various methods of birth control and their efficacy rates. At the time, the main methods of birth control included abstinence, the rhythm method, the withdrawal method, condoms, intrauterine devices (IUDs), and the birth control pill. As a teenager, condoms, the rhythm method, and the withdrawal method did not involve parents. Using condoms and the withdrawal method relied heavily, almost completely, on the male partner and the rhythm method being 75% to 92% effective is not a highly recommended form of birth control. This leaves little room for a young lady to prevent her own pregnancy without the help of her parents or guardian.
The most effective and most obvious method to prevent pregnancy is abstinence. The best, hands down method of birth control is to not have sex. Everyone knows that abstinence is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy. It is easy to understand without the hassle of keeping track of your ovulation window. It doesn’t involve managing or changing your hormones and it is also free! Condoms, pills, and doctor visits are not cheap. With such a clear and obvious answer to prevent pregnancy then why am I choosing to help my daughter access her own birth control?
Teenagers will be Teenagers
I tell my children not to drink or do drugs and discuss the consequences, and health risks. I tell them they are not old enough, and that it is a bad idea. I have no guarantees that they will listen to me and never take a drink or a puff somewhere in their lives. If I tell my daughter not to have sex at this age, I have no guarantees that she will listen to me and she may have sexual intercourse with someone when she is not ready. At this point, it is my job to arm her with the tools necessary to control her body and her future as much as possible and educate her on contraception, and make it available to her.
I don’t want my daughter to delve into a shameful abyss of keeping secrets and trying to manage contraception on her own if she chooses to explore sexual intimacy. I imagine her feeling alone and stressed out if she thinks she may be pregnant and it would pain me to think that I could have helped her take control of her body and prevent an unwanted pregnancy. If I do nothing and she decides to take contraception into her own hands, as opposed to getting the help from a medical professional, I am setting her up to fail.
No More Shame and Embarrassment
Understanding and discovering sex and sexuality as a teenage girl can be scary. I often associated sex with shame. Shame, shame, shame was the first thing I felt for even thinking about sex. Shame for wanting it, shame for being curious about it. I thought I wasn’t normal because I didn’t realize that naturally occurring hormones and development increase sexual desire not just in me but in all teenagers and it isn’t limited to the boys either. Natural curiosity and pubescent development should not be shamed but guided. How would anyone even begin to get guidance on a subject matter that is considered to be too taboo to discuss? This is a perpetual cycle of silence and shame that results in women not understanding their sexuality.
So when it came time to talk to my daughter about sex, I was going to keep things open and I wanted to send a strong message to her that she can always talk to me and come to me with anything. But it doesn’t stop at one conversation. We talked about sex in bits and pieces, so I could keep her attention, not overwhelm her, and give her the time and space to digest the information.
More Than Just Sex
As my daughter and I spoke more openly about sex and as she got older and more interested in the opposite sex, she asked about sex timelines and when is the “right” time. “How long should I wait?”, “Was Dad your first?”, “Did you and Dad have sex before you got married?” Wow. These are the tough questions. I know that as parents, we have learned to tell white lies to our childeren. “I never drank alcohol until I turned 21, I never tried marijuana or talked back to my parents, blah blah blah.” But I wanted to maintain my truth (to some degree) with her on this subject for a couple reasons.
- She wouldn’t judge others for their own personal decisions when it came to sex;
- She wouldn’t feel ashamed for her own natural feelings;
- She could have a realistic and healthy attitude toward sex.
While health class can teach your child about contraception, it cannot teach your child about other aspects of sexual intimacy outside of reproduction. During our conversations about sex and intimacy I wanted to make sure the following points were driven deep inside her brain:
- There is no socially acceptable timeline to wait to have sex. It’s not like waiting an hour before you go swimming.
- You consider having sex with a serious partner, someone you trust, someone you love, someone that you have known for a long time and someone that you plan to be with for a long time. It should also be a completely exclusive relationship where neither of you are dating other people.
- You consider having sex with someone when you have the emotional maturity to handle the intense feelings that come with sexual intimacy. To be honest, it is difficult for an adult to figure this out let alone a teenager. However, this lets them know to be prepared for feeling and managing an entire new set of emotions and this can be stressful.
- You consider having sex when you are ready to deal with the consequences, more specifically, pregnancy. This one is obvious yet dismissed quite quickly. While we teach and provide an abundance of information to our children, sometimes they don’t listen. Believe it or not, our children forget what we tell them and they can even think that they know more than us and go against parental advice, rules, and common sense. Who do they think they are!? Teenagers!
- Explore your motivation. Besides wanting to feel good, is he pressuring you? Are you worried that he will break up with you? Do you want to be like the cool kids? These driving forces are not good reasons to explore sexual relationships. If any of these things are factors in the sex decision making process, then you should not have a sexual relationship at this time.
Green Light to Have Sex
I was worried that by telling her that I would help her get birth control then I am encouraging her to have sex. I am an enabler. It felt weird and at first it felt wrong. What am I doing? Am I introducing her to have sex? Am I basically giving her the green light to have sex? Oh my God, what have I done! I calmed myself down by realizing that I’m not just handing her a pack of birth control pills and saying “Be Safe.”. We had many conversations about sex and what it means, and I drove home the importance of waiting and exploring her own motivations before making the decision to add sexual intimacy to a relationship. I also told her that I am not about to create situations where she will have the opportunity to have sex. We will maintain house rules of no boys allowed in bedrooms.
Leave It To The Professionals
The final stage in my deeply uncomfortable journey through contraception and my teenage daughter was the doctor’s appointment. In order to convey the seriousness of introducing sexual activity into your life, I made an appointment for my daughter with a gynecologist. Someone other than me who is knowledgeable. I took her to see my personal gynecologist and the doctor was straight forward and extremely educational. She also threw in her own personal guidance/opinion of waiting because of the slew of issues and responsibility that comes with sexual activity. She also offered my daughter free samples of the contraceptive of her choice to see if it is something she wants to incorporate into her routine.
I don’t like the idea of my daughter being on birth control as a teenager, however, I can only control so much in my daughter’s life as she gets older. I will provide my daughter with an abundance of guidance and knowledge, since she may still want to explore her sexuality no matter what I say. With limited options without the assistance of an adult, I want to teach her early on how important it is for her to be able to take control of her own body as best as she can.