In the fifteen years since our first date, the life my husband and I have together is one of great expectations. These expectations bond us together as we weather the ups-and-downs of marriage and parenthood. However, they also created a level of unrealistic goals that we continue to unravel nearly twelve years after saying ‘I Do’.
I admit, my husband and I were unskilled and unprepared for marriage and less skilled at managing marriage with kids. We didn’t establish best practices as a twosome and when two became four, we fell into relatively conventional roles. While our goal wasn’t to create an overly traditional version of roles in marriage and parenthood, we ended up with a 1950’s version with a 21st century reality twist.
Our marriage eventually felt like we were over-leveraged in the debt of role imbalances. We came to come to the harsh reality that a re-balance was necessary. I was overwhelmed by the responsibility of being the default parent, managing most aspects of our household, planning the social calendar, working full-time in demanding senior manager level roles, and working to be all things to the people that matter most to me. We’ve had support along the way; a housecleaner every other week, a nanny and babysitters to give us time to ourselves and together, and at one point, someone to help with miscellaneous tasks. Yet, the coordination of this support still lied with me. I was the central artery for our home.
The Realization
Admittedly, I liked my role. I had the control I like to have, and my role aligned with things I naturally did well. When I shared the load and things didn’t go like I would have preferred, I used that as part of the reason to continue carrying the load and picking up more responsibilities. When I felt guilty for being overwhelmed, I justified myself as the ‘type that gave a lot’. Thus, rebalancing our roles and setting new expectations was and is about letting go and trying to be okay with what happens when I let go.
New Expectations
It’s been a journey and one we’re still on in creating new expectations. We haven’t thrown the proverbial ‘baby out with the bath water’. Yet, we are working towards a balance that is flexible. It helps that our children are older, and the needs of elementary aged children are very different than babies or toddlers. My husband and I are also better at communicating needs and being aware of each other’s needs and moods. Finally, I try to be less attached to how things work out. If my husband is on point to do something or take care of a situation, then I try to be okay with the way he does that thing.
The Unknown Future
I recognize that some consider us as early in the marriage and parenting journey – I agree. Consequently, my husband and I recognize the importance of shoring up our relationship to withstand the unknown that we are left to experience. We’re experimenting with a family ‘word of the year’ to center us towards creating a better version of the lives we want. We continue to interrogate our parenting practices to ‘keep the good’ and ‘throw out the bad’ ideas and practices we were raised with. Most importantly we protect the greatest expectation we have of each other – our love for each other. It’s our love that tethers us together and it’s the most important expectation we share with our children that they too can experience.
