It’s no surprise that raising kids is hard work. Yet as a mother of two with a husband, the work of parenting with a partner doesn’t always make it easier. “But you have someone to bear the load with and split the duties” you think. Weeeelll. . . not exactly. Parenting with a partner, spouse or ex requires a special set of co-parenting skills – communication, understanding, patience and lots of all three.
The consequences of pregnancy is that my relationship with my husband quickly changed from friend, lover, partner and housemate, to the father of my children and partner in raising our children. Even before our duo was born, it was clear that our lives as a couple would never be the same. The early years were all about survival. Communication during the early days was layered in joy, frustration, and abject exhaustion. I was most surprised by how my identity quickly transitioned to ‘Mommy’ and ‘Babe’ and my role in our family expanded to cook, house manager, and executive assistant. In the early years, I didn’t realize that my husband was my ‘co-parent’ and therefore, I didn’t approach our parenting relationship from a point of view of communicating needs and working in cooperation. We approached the early years of parenting in a somewhat transactional way, without always appreciating the parenting experience of the other person.
Yet this consequence of pregnancy, co-parenting, isn’t strictly about communicating needs, it also includes discussing how we are going to raise our kids. Going into parenthood I knew we aligned on the basic values and vision of what we wanted for our children. However, day-to-day parenting can be challenging at times. These challenges show up in differing ideas and practices, frustrations on who is {or isn’t doing} what, and mismatched approaches to how to help each child’s gifts shine through. It also shows up in unresolved areas of our past that affect our parenting. This part of co-parenting requires a lot of communication in the ways of listening, being non-judgmental, and providing patience and grace when things are emotionally messy.
Now, only eight years in, I can more fully appreciate the relationship I have with my husband. We are a ‘couple’ first, and it’s important that we continue to feed our relationship as husband and wife. Yet, we are parents, and we look to better support each other as we navigate the journey of raising our children. We’ve found hacks like reviewing the schedule for the upcoming week on Sunday mornings before we get out of the bed. I add things to the shared Google calendar so that my husband has insights to upcoming activities. Our biggest flex is that we are okay with cutting things out if they don’t work for us or our children. We don’t dwell on what we’ve already invested to justify continuing with something that no longer works for us. Lastly, we both value ease. We avoid, when possible, not letting ourselves feel burdened to do everything and be everywhere. We say “No” to things that aren’t important, and value each other’s interests and activities.
Co-parenting isn’t always easy, even as a married couple. Yet, the challenges we’ve faced and will continue to face, are worth it. We are fortifying our relationship, and we are creating a life of joy that allows our children to be their best selves each and every day.
