According to John and Julie Gottman, if a couple hugs or kisses for six seconds or longer on a regular basis it will increase connection, bonding and trust. Earlier this year I mentioned this concept to my husband as something we could try, and to my surprise, he liked the idea. Now, several months after the mention of this idea, I’m happy to report that this slight, yet intentional change has fostered improved connection, bonding, and trust.
How did we go about incorporating this practice?
First, we tried it a couple of times to see if it really worked. Sure enough at about four seconds, one of us would touch the other person; on the back, arm, or on the side of their face. The sensation of a slightly longer kiss or hug was immediate and electric. This almost involuntary response of touch and connection was evident each time we kissed or hugged for six-seconds or longer. The kiss or hug would end with a knowing smile as the interaction left us feeling a little better.
How often did we exercise this extra time of connection?
We didn’t put any hard rules on when the six-seconds would happen. In many cases it would happen at the end of the work day, when the last person would get home and give the other a kiss. Instead of our typical peck, the extended kiss served as a great way to transition from the work day to the evening. It set the mood for a more relaxed evening with conversation and more engagement as we discussed our day or chatted about the latest topics of the day.
Could the hug or kiss to lead to ‘more’?
Invariably creating connection can led to ‘more.’ However, beyond the ‘what’s next’ it just felt good. A six second hug at the end of a long day felt like home. The six seconds didn’t necessarily represent a ‘bid’ for anything more than wanting to be closer to each other. Yet the intentionality of the six seconds versus a quick peck or hug, did set us up for something nice to happen if we wanted to later or another day.
Is the six-second rule a solve for arguments or disagreements?
The short answer is, “No.” I can easily say that we didn’t use this practice to bypass our disagreements or work around an issue. For good or bad, when we had an issue to resolve, we resorted to our comfort zone of a spirited conversation. However, this new norm was good to have on the other side of that conversation to reintroduce connection.
Is there any downside to the six-second rule?
For us, the experience thus far is that it’s a great tool in our box of other tools to strengthen our relationship and marriage. It’s an ‘Easy’ button of sorts to spark or renew connection. Yet I can see how taken to the ‘nth degree’ it could feel more like a chore than pleasure.
What did I learn?
I learned that connection with my husband can happen in small and big ways. Who would have thought that just a few extra seconds could increase intimacy and trust? The incorporation of these six-seconds encourages me to seek out other ways, big and small to increase our connection. I’ve realized that in our busy and often over scheduled days, we always have a few extra seconds for each other.
