Our baby girl arrived the week of Christmas. Festive trees and a giant nutcracker decorated the Labor and Delivery floor. The receptionist wore an elf hat. But what began as a simple induction ended with an emergency c-section with rare childbirth complications. We did make it home in time for Santa, though I am unsure he enjoyed the lactation cookies I left him.
After my daughter was born, friends and family surrounded us with love. Some provided delicious meals, and others cuddled the baby while I took a much-needed nap. The workload of a newborn felt enormous, but we had great people helping us shoulder the burden.
Loved ones also helped us with emotional labor after childbirth. Friends sat with me while I cried about the delivery. My mom watched the baby, so I could meet with my therapist. Fellow moms surrounded me with love and support. Even in best-case scenarios, childbirth is a brutal (and beautiful) experience. Moms (and dads) need our support to help process the events that brought their sweet baby into the world.
During this time of healing, some conversations were more helpful than others. With that in mind, here are some do’s and don’ts when checking in on your loved one after birth. Disclaimer: I believe most folks have good intentions when talking to new parents. We want to connect and comfort. Unfortunately, our good intentions do not guarantee good results. The last thing a new mom needs is a careless comment or thoughtless question, especially if they’ve had a traumatic experience.
Don’t ask: “Did you get an epidural? How long did you have contractions? Did you poop on the table?”
Do ask: “Would you like to talk about the birth? If not, I am also happy to distract you with the latest drama in our book club. No pressure either way. I am here to listen!”
Try to ask open-ended questions and let the new mom guide the conversation. Some folks want to process with their friend group, while others keep the details between them and their spouse (or therapist). Either is perfectly normal. As one of my friends said when I asked her about labor, “It was good. I had the baby!”
Don’t Say: “Oh, I had a (c-section/episiotomy/mean nurse/other issue), too!”
Do say: “I am so sorry you experienced that. I understand you are feeling (lonely/hurt/afraid). Thank you for sharing with me.” And give a big hug (if appropriate).
Now is not the time to share your birth story. While you might have similarities, no two people have the same experience. Comparing your experiences can leave the other mom feeling unheard. Keep your focus on the new momma. What is she saying? How can you make her feel heard and understood?
Don’t Say: “You and the baby are okay, that is what is important”
Do Say: “I am so glad you and baby are okay, and I am (devastated/sad/angry) you had such a difficult birth experience.”
Obviously, we are so glad that mom and baby are okay. But by stating this as the MOST important part of this conversation, we accidentally start ranking feelings. It is possible to be grateful and upset at the same time. One does not negate the other. You can feel thankful the baby is okay and feel upset they have been endangered. You might be relieved to have excellent and angry you have high medical bills to pay. Both are true. Both are important.
Don’t say: “You look like you are feeling better!”
Do say: “I know recovery is full of ups and downs. How can I meet you where you are at today?”
Our perception isn’t always reality. Maybe this momma put on makeup to cover the dark circles under her eyes. She could be acting happy when in reality she is struggling with post-partum depression. Sometimes our compliments inadvertently place pressure on others to perform. Recovery usually involves one step forward, and two steps back.
My final advice is this: Don’t panic if you have said one (or all) of these things. When in doubt, listen hard and ask good questions. Love covers a multitude of mistakes.
