Last month I celebrated an anniversary. It wasn’t one related to my marriage or a friendship. It wasn’t tied to any big personal accomplishment. It was, however, an eye-opening experience that to this day informs how I live. Two years ago, I had a breakdown. And two years ago I started my journey back from working mom burnout.
Now, I’m not sure that’s even an official “thing” but I’m making it one, because it’s evoked in me a whole journey that’s forever changed how I parent, work and ultimately show up in the world.
The Build Up
Summer 2022 was a busy one for this full-time, working mom-of-two. We had lots of fun adventures planned, work was BUSIER than usual, with demands from execs to launch new programs and initiatives with aggressive deadlines and deliverables, and on top of it all I was holding myself to my always consistent 4:30 a.m. daily workouts. With all that on the docket, my days and weeks were full and something seemed to be consistently falling off the radar—REST.
I was also so busy anticipating all the needs and all the things for all the people, projects and happenings that by the end of it I had nothing left for the person I’m supposed to take care of first (me)- you know…that whole oxygen mask thing….I was for sure NOT doing it.
Working Mom Burnout
By the middle of July, my body and mind were FEELING the effects of all the BUSY.
It started with headaches, that then grew into migraines—consistent migraines that never left. They were there from sun up to sun down. Then the blurry vision started. Sometimes it was minor, sometimes it was so bad I couldn’t drive.
WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME!? I was only 33 and relatively healthy to this point.
In the midst of all of this, the inevitable planning for back to school was beginning and that seemed to be the last straw. With a kiddo heading to second grade and another to pre-K, we had varying schedules, logistics and kiddo coverage to map out and all of that looming pressure was just compounding all the symptoms I was having.
A close friend who works in health care finally convinced me to investigate the headaches.
Feeling paralyzed by ALL THE TO-DOS on my list, it felt just like ANOTHER THING, but I leaned on the partner and “village” I’m so lucky to have. Over the course of three weeks I was seen by my PCP, an ophthalmologist, a neurologist and even got to experience my first-ever MRI (that was “fun”). After filling out all the forms and completing multiple diagnostic tests and screenings, no one could find anything wrong with me. That “r” word did come up a bunch though—“rest.” “How are you resting?” “Resting would help.”
I remember feeling almost let down that there wasn’t a more definitive, diagnosable problem that came with a quick, straightforward solution. After all, it was one of the busiest times of year for parents; I couldn’t possibly find the time to rest and do whatever else I needed to do to get back to feeling like me.
You can’t just stop while you’re in the middle of this swirling whirlpool of working mom burnout.
Or so I thought.
Baby Steps Back to Me
After feeling utterly listless, lost and unsure of what the heck my next step would be, I did the only thing that seemed feasible.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The day of my final specialist appointment that determined I was in fact “completely healthy” I walked back to my car and collapsed into the driver’s seat. I had scheduled an early appointment to ensure I could hop right into work mode and help with the to-dos of the day, but glancing at my calendar app and seeing the obligations ahead I could feel the subtle migraine I had start to pulse harder. I had no idea how I was going to do it all.
So I didn’t.
I reached out to my supervisor, informed them of the situation, and did something that to that point I had never done— I took the day off “just because.”
In retrospect, I understand it wasn’t “just because.” It was because I needed to because I was experiencing extreme working mom burnout. Plain and simple. That’s why things like PTO and sick time exist. (I know this now).
It might not seem like a huge, significant step, but for me—a borderline perfectionist who is used to being the “do-it-all, dependable one,” especially at work—it was.
I had to reframe the “omg you’re letting everyone down” narrative to one of “it’s ok to pull back and let someone else take the lead for a bit. You’re worthy of rest and joy.”
And thus my voyage back to me began.
Not the me who is a sister and a daughter. Not the me who is a wife and a mother. Just me. Just Jessica. And it’s crazy how removed I had let myself get from her.
Honestly, with how lost I felt, I started questioning how much I ever even knew her in the first place. I had just started finding my groove in adulthood when the best surprise ever came in and made me a mom, but that’s a story to unpack another day.
Tips and Tools to Fight Back Against Working Mom Burnout
It’s been a long, winding process—and one I’ve come to learn will never be quite done as “me” is a moving target that’s ever-growing and evolving; but oh how worthwhile it’s all been.
I’d love to tell you every day is perfect and fantastic and that if you follow these “X” number of magic steps you’ll be fine, too. But that’s not how any of this works. There will be ups and downs, and everyone’s journey will be as unique as the individuals embarking upon them. However, here are some tips from my experience that may help other moms out there struggling with working mom burnout. Also, for those wanting to learn more about burnout itself (and some of the science behind it) I highly recommend reading Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski.
Seek rest
- Rest is key. I know not everyone has the privilege of doing this as much as they might need or want, but squeeze in what you can, when you can and prioritize and protect it at all costs. With it you’re more likely to have the energy you need to do all the things, but without it you’re guaranteed to not.
- Practice mindfulness
- Whether it’s through meditating (highly recommend starting with YouTube videos if you’re new to this), grounding in nature or following some other practice, make an intentional effort to pause and be present when possible. Working to be mindful is a great way to keep your mind on the here and now, rather than worrying about the millions of other things on your list.
- Embrace support
- While not everyone has the luxury of having a “village” they can lean on, share your feelings with those in your world you can trust. It’s a lot easier to ask for (and find) help when people know what’s going on, and there’s nothing wrong with asking for assistance when you need it.
- Define core values
- It’s impossible to be all the things to all the people all the time, so to help you prioritize what you do and when (since you can’t do it all—trust me that’s a myth) choose what best aligns with your values and go from there. This has helped me immensely and while “balance” is an ever-moving target I’m not sure anyone ever fully “hits” knowing that I’m moving through my days guided by what’s most important to me makes a huge difference.
- Pursue joy
- Whether it’s reading books, listening to podcasts, taking a dance class, cooking, gardening or something else, find what brings you joy and/or helps you learn and grow and fervently pursue it. If it brings you joy, it’s worth your time—just like rest, you don’t have to do anything to be worthy of peace and happiness. So drop the guilt (Promise I’m not guilting you about NOT already dropping the guilt, I just know how hard this can be for some of us). For me personally, self-worth affirmations and meditations have worked wonders on this.
- Drop the negative
- From doom scrolling to toxic relationships, investing time and energy into things that leave you feeling down is sure to fuel any chance of burning out. Identifying these things takes time, so be patient with yourself and the process, and give yourself grace if it takes a while to work these things out of your daily routine and habits.
- Know your triggers
- I’ve become VERY in-tune with things that make me “crispy” (the precursor to ‘burnt out”). For me, the beginning and end of the school year are BIG ONES because on top of all the normal work and life things there’s a huge shift happening to our family’s day-to-day routine. The same goes for traveling, so any of these times where our “typical” rhythm is disrupted I’ve learned to loosen the reins a bit and just amp up my self-care practices like meditating, exercising, grounding in nature and practicing mindfulness.
- Most importantly: Be flexible, have patience and give yourself grace
- In all honesty, no one has any idea what they’re doing. And as things ebb and flow in our lives we need to be willing to adjust, pivot and adapt to find what works best for us and our families. When it starts to feel like too much, pause, take a deep breath in, then slowly let it out and remember you have the power to change things as you need, when you need to.
Do you struggle from working mom burnout? Maybe it’s time to take a step back and evaluate how you can prioritize both. your mental and physical health.
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