My late husband, Chad, passed away unexpectedly in 2019, and my children and I have been navigating this unimaginable loss for almost 5 years. I’m often asked how to help a friend experiencing a similar loss. None of us are born with knowledge of how to help a friend grieving the loss of a partner, and I am happy to share my first-hand experience.
Don’t Say Weird Things
Let’s be honest: none of us really know what to say when someone is grieving the loss of a partner. Even after going through my own loss, I still struggle with it. Because the truth is, nothing anyone says can truly make it better. But please, don’t say things like, “Oh, I don’t even know what I would do if my husband died.” Trust me, she doesn’t know what she’s going to do either. Hearing that over and over is incredibly isolating (and yes, people said that to me a lot).
When I eventually started dating, I often heard, “I would NEVER date again or get remarried if my husband died.” And hey, if that’s your path, more power to you, sister. But I want to get married again and create a happy life for my children, with a happy mom and a two-parent household.
So what’s safe to say? “I’m so sorry for your loss”, “I love you”, and “I’m here for you.” Keep it simple and you can’t go wrong.
Show Up
Please don’t just say, “I’m here for whatever you need!” and expect a friend to reach out when she needs something—it likely won’t happen. She may not know what she needs, and if she’s anything like me, she might not want to ask for help. My family, friends, and community stepped up for us in the biggest ways. My family came to be with us immediately, and my mom stayed for almost 3 months. Groceries appeared on our porch, meals were delivered for months, and people left gift cards, flowers, donuts, cakes, bath bombs, beers, coffees, toys for my kids, and so much more. One friend even took over planning and setting up my daughter’s 3rd birthday party, pulling off an epic celebration for a little Elsa the day after her Daddy’s funeral. On our first weekend after my mom went back home, my brother-in-law took the boys to Urban Air to burn off some steam. My sister stayed to hang out with my daughter and me so I didn’t feel alone. Friends and family filled the stands at my boys’ baseball games, and my son’s former coach even stopped by to play catch with him.
There was so much more —I could go on and on. But the point is, our people showed up. The fewer questions I had to answer during that time, the better. Decisions were hard, and I felt lost without my husband to lean on. But my loved ones stepped in, took over, and got us through it.
Donate If You Can
This is difficult for me to share, but it’s important. My late husband didn’t have life insurance. When he passed, we had less than $200 in the bank and bills were piling up. My brother-in-law had just paid our electric bill to help us out. It’s embarrassing to admit how financially strapped we were, but I know that’s the reality for many people. When a friend asked if she could start a GoFundMe, my immediate response was ‘No.’ I’m a prideful (maybe just a little bit stubborn) person who struggles with accepting help, and the idea of a GoFundMe felt wrong to me. But after she spoke with my mom, they decided to do it anyway, and it ended up helping me immensely. It allowed me to focus on grieving with my kids without the added stress of financial worries. I was able to pay for probate court, catch up on the mortgage, and replace our AC unit when it went out. I know not everyone is in a position to donate, and that’s okay. But if you can, it can make a world of difference for someone experiencing the loss of a partner.
Listen
Sounds simple, right? For a lot of people, it’s not simple at all. When your husband dies, everyone seems to have advice. “I would —” or “You should —.” I was already overwhelmed with life in general, and the unsolicited advice was too much to take. It seemed like everyone was judging how I did things because they just KNEW they would do it a different way. I shut down and didn’t answer my phone for weeks. But I had one friend who just listened. She was the one I turned to every night when I finally let myself break down. We would text for hours, and she was my sounding board as I navigated this new territory.
Check In and Give Her Grace
Grieving is almost taboo in our culture, and some have a hard time witnessing someone going through it. People expected us to be “healed” after a certain amount of time. They printed out the ‘Six Stages of Grief’ pamphlet and told us we should be good to go in no time at all. On the contrary, I’m not sure if we will ever be ‘healed’, or if that is even a possibility.
Grief, especially for the loss of a partner, is ongoing. Sure, some days we are thriving and living life to the absolute fullest. But secondary loss is real, and boy is it a beast. Last year, my oldest struggled with the fact that his dad would never get to watch him take the football field for his middle school. My middle son won an award at school, but broke down after because his Daddy wasn’t there. My daughter, after one day in kindergarten, came out of school in tears because her Daddy would never pick her up. And every time I fill out forms for my kids (enrollment, sports, get to know you, etc), it feels wrong to leave the father’s section blank, but that’s our reality now. These are just a few small examples in a flood of tears. So, we’re not ‘over it.’ When life went back to normal for everyone else, my children and I were still facing hard days and even harder nights. Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, and other special days always come with the reminder of what is missing. Our friends and family have been really great about checking in on us throughout the years. Even just a “thinking of you” text makes all of the difference.
Grieving the loss of a partner is daunting and ongoing. If you have a friend going through this, please consider the suggestions above to lighten her load, even if just a little bit.
About Ashley Lillard
Ashley Lillard was born and raised in the Houston area. She now lives with her boyfriend, bonus daughter, three kids and three dogs in The Woodlands. She spends her evenings and weekends hauling kids to sports and voice lessons. She loves to read and has plenty of time to do so in carline and while sweating in the bleachers waiting for the next game to start.
