Unpopular opinion. Mom guilt is not a real thing {at least not for me}. I’m eight years in this motherhood thing and I can affirm, I haven’t been convicted of such a thing as ‘mom guilt’. This is the case amidst prioritized work travel, nights out with my husband, taking time for myself, and simply not being able to show up in ways moms are expected to.
Should there be ‘mom guilt’ moments. Ummmm. . . nah. Not when I took a ten-day trip which was supposed to double as weaning from breastfeeding {because it didn’t work}. Not when I took a project where I was expected to travel twice a month {because I traveled only once month}. Not even when I traveled to the Middle East on two back-to-back one-month work trips. No guilt here for missing the doctor’s appointment or prioritizing my morning workout.
How is it that this consequence of pregnancy that many feel, I don’t feel at all? Based on the definition of the word ‘guilt’, doing something wrong or could be held responsible for wrongdoing, my actions don’t reflect any part of this definition.
Am I heartless or unfeeling? Absolutely not. I know my kids need me, yet at the same time, there are times when I can’t be present with them. During these times, I choose to do what I can. I have a PAC with my family – Plan, Anticipate, and Communicate.
Plan
I try to avoid doing things last minute which affords me the ability to be proactive when schedule conflicts show up. If it’s a meeting, trip, a night out, or any other version of conflict, I plan for how to account for my absence or delay. Is there anything that needs to be re-scheduled? What kind of support will be needed? I align early with my husband and others who are part of providing support so that everyone is in the loop.
Anticipate
One of my superpowers is execution, which serves me well as a mom of twins. The goal of anticipating is to minimize disruption and create ease where possible. I re-schedule or cancel appointments or classes. I chose Chick-Fil-A or leftovers for dinner. If I’m traveling, I try to anticipate moods about food to have what’s needed on hand since my husband will be solo. I buy extra household goods, take care of laundry, and schedule support where needed.
Communicate
Communication and over-communication is key. My husband doesn’t always see my vision for what could happen in my absence or delay. Therefore, it’s important that I share multiple times in different ways the plans and the contingencies I’ve put in place.
This consequence of pregnancy, mom guilt, is a consequence I choose not to have. If the alternative is to turn over my life and submit myself only to my kids, my answer is “No”. Besides, I’m building resiliency and competency when my kids know that I’m not around. I’m also reinforcing a fully functioning household as my husband steps into different shoes than what he normally wears. I say “NO” to mom guilt and ‘YES’ to a family that knows ‘Mom’ is Tiffany, and she needs to fully exist in this world too.
