Adult friendships fail for any number of reasons, but have you ever lost a friend over politics?
The current political climate has tested the resilience of my friendships, and while we may not all have lost friends across the aisle, I would wager most of us have faced similar discord within our circles. If you haven’t, it may be because you already have measures in place to protect your friendships.
If you’re anything like me, the political content you engage with makes you want to crawl into the safe embrace of an echo chamber, where every opinion aligns with your own. But in doing that, we are carving into that chasm between “us” and “them” while simultaneously making our worlds smaller. Isolation and echo chambers do us a disservice. We need connection – real human connection.
Friendships Across the Aisle
Maintaining friendships across the political aisle isn’t about compromising our values; it’s about honoring the human being in front of us over the headline on our screens. If the ultimate goal is to build a functioning community around us, we have to begin within our personal circles. Here are tips for maintaining the health of those friendships without losing your peace or your principles.
6 Tips for Maintaining Friendships Across the Political Aisle
1 | Lead with curiosity and compassion.
When a friend expresses a view that feels lowkey atrocious to us, the natural instinct might be to build an immaculately airtight defense brick by brick. But instead…P A U S E. Don’t build anything; just open a window. Ask your friend questions like “What life experiences led you to that conclusion?” or “How did you come to believe that?” Questions shift the conversation from a debate to a dialogue. Don’t dismiss a friend’s perspective before you understand what shaped it.
2 | Celebrate common interests.
Remember why you like to hang out with these people! Focus your energy there. If you and your friends enjoy crafting, volunteering, reading, or walking, for example, find opportunities to do these activities together. If you fill your cup with joy, there’s less room for political flotsam.
3 | Set boundaries.
Setting personal boundaries can protect us from others, but setting boundaries around politics can protect our friendships from ourselves. If a certain topic consistently sucks up all the good vibes in the room, it is perfectly acceptable to say: “I value our friendship more than I value winning this argument. Can we agree to leave this topic off the table for tonight?” And for those of us who love to challenge the status quo, remember: Protecting a friendship is more punk rock than proving a point.
4 | Become a seeker of truth.
Any time I see an inflammatory news headline, it is very easy – too easy – for me to make a snap judgment on the subject. However, when I look past the headline and dig into the story, I discover the reality is not always as dire as the headline suggests. While many of us are becoming more and more savvy to rage-baiting headlines, a large audience still accepts headlines as fact without investigating further. How this translates to friendships: If you both know the facts behind the headline, you might actually agree on the issue at hand. {Disagreeing is fine, too, just trickier.}
5 | Remember shared values.
Our friends very likely value the same fundamental things we do: the safety of our children, a stable economy, a sense of community, to name a few. We might disagree vehemently on the how, but acknowledging the shared why creates a foundation of mutual respect. Strip away the political jargon and remember your hearts are in the right place, and your voices matter.
6 | Know what’s real.
Just like seeing the truth behind the headlines, see the truth behind the person. Social media can alter how we view other people, and how others view us. We can come across as “having it all” or as a caricature of all our worst opinions. In person, however, people are much more nuanced, kinder, and more moderate than their online presence suggests.
Put down your device and look at the person in front of you – the one who helped you without being asked, the one who checked in when you were sick – and weigh those actions against a political disagreement. {Hot tip: Dismantle the social media echo chamber. Turn off suggested political content – or all political content – to clean up your feed.}
Don’t Let Division Win
We don’t need more people shouting grievances into the ether; we need more people sitting across the table from one another. By committing to maintaining our politically-challenged friendships, we refuse to let the “aisle” dictate the limits of our compassion and our strength. It takes work, patience, and a healthy dose of grace, but a diverse circle of friends is the best antidote to heal a divided world.
If I can ask anything of anyone {and of myself}, it’s this: Don’t let division win. I’m not saying that maintaining your friendships will lead to positive change on a global scale…but I’m not saying it won’t.
